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The funny thing is sometimes you can help someone more by being tough
and strong with them, than you can by being "supportive."
Being too caring, too
forgiving, too accomodating, allowing too many excuses…that’s what we in therapist-land and AA refer to as "enabling."
Enabling is when a person’s significant other or family tries to help them and instead, ironically, enables them to remain helpless. When people are ‘protected’ from facing the bad, negative consequences of their bad, negative behavior, they fail to learn from the experience.
Some people need a push or a threat before they can find themselves.
Women in particular often suffer the delusion that to love someone, they should always help their
man/partner and be understanding of his follies/mood disorder/substance abuse no matter how frequent.
But he is not a vulnerable little child.
Yes, yes, I know, in our hearts we are all still a 5 year old. And that is Ok. The fact that somewhere inside of us lives a cutie who still loves to blow soap bubbles, gaze at Christmas lights, and slop around in the mud makes life worth living in many respects.
But if in our actual bodily form we are pushing 30+, then that 5 year old should not be the one running our personal Daily Show.
A man will do better in life if he is pushed to act like a responsible
adult who can be proud of his life, instead of a child who hides from
pressures.
To spoil a partner,may make him feel loved,
but he has no pride in his life and uses things like romantic
affair/meth pipe/no job direction/clinging to his mama/clinging to childhood to avoid facing his career and family and health troubles.
I am an outspoken advocate of the "Kick ‘em to the Curb" school of relationships. People always deserve a second chance (Ok, barring things like say, homicidal behavior. And said forgiveness only should be granted after LOTS of remorse on their part). But past that? Gets dicey.
And how long should one wait for someone to "see the light?" This tends to be code for: get a real job/propose already/get sober/committ. No hard rules. My personal very biased opinion, I don’t recommend too much committment with anything or anyone if you’ve spent less than 2 years scoping out the premises. I figure anyone can act on their best behavior for a year or so without slipping into their cranky real selves. But I also don’t recommend waiting on anyone more than say, 2.5 years or so.
Exceptions may be granted. But rarely are they warranted.
Esp. if you are a hetero female, ladies please. Get a clue. "He’s just not that into you" had a point. And I think most homo sapiens, esp. hetero males, are self centered creatures. If they want something, if they want YOU, they will pursue it to the very gates of hell in all sorts of creative and borderline-stalking sorts of ways. If the appreciation is tepid…turn up the heat or kick ‘em out of the house so you can fire up something better.
Guys loathe it when we set out to change them - as if he was a household crafts project. So stop trying. He isn’t a pet and he isn’t a Martha Stewart remodel.
Buck up and state your demands. If they can’t be met, which often times is no one’s fault, just lack of compatibility - accept it.
Stop enabling. Don’t pay that goddamn bail money. Don’t give him undeserved forgiveness. Don’t help him call in sick to his boss or parents. Don’t allow him excuses for failing his actual potential. Never lend money.
"But I love him" is (pardon my French) horseshit. If you love someone, not just romanticize him/her, then you will do the hard work, take the tough stance that it takes, to promote their maximum potential. Keeping someone dysfunctional, addicted, or regressed ain’t love, its insecurity.
Now, if you do kick ‘em to the curb (perhaps you may prefer the gentler term ‘let go" or ‘tough love’) You may wind up alone. Which is not a bad thing so long as you’re an educated person. (if you’re not, hurry up for god’s sake and GET educated). And alone doesn’t usually last for long when you’re someone with a spine. Doormats are so… unattractive.
Or you might wind up with what’s oft referred to as a "real" man. Which I have found, is most definitely worth fighting for.
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